Pandora

Voluntary jet lag? I’m sneezy.

They have never faded. All these years and still coming at me.

The little reminders have never faded. In all of my years pursuing a viciously difficult career, I’ve always had such beautiful support from people along the way. Genuine support. When I assumed that every time someone asked me about my career goals, I assumed that I need to brace myself, explain quickly and slightly apologetically (because how could I not seem like just another starry-eyed, naturally pretty, likable Midwestern girl chasing some dream out West, right? At least that’s what I would assume of people, before even knowing. I know now how unfair that is when A) I could be wrong. And B) should have enough pristine self confidence to not be fazed by possible scorn.

[FYI: I can’t fully consider myself a Midwestern Girl. I was actually born and raised in Seattle, WA until middle school, when my family moved to Akron, OH (my parents’ hometown complete with real relatives!) Since I’m not the Midwestern girl, I’d have to say due to the hippie parents raising me on Seattle’s culture; progressive, open-minded, living green, arts, music, every nationality represented, etc. for the first half of my life; Then Akron’s traditional, homespun, school spirit, traditional, meat-n-potatoes type of simple comfort for the second half of my life – yep, that would have to make me a Pacific NorthMidwestern girl. Gangster.]

My point being only that I spent a lot of time mentally-exhausting myself. Merely based upon the chance that someone might confirm my suspicions of their positive support. And for some reason, I spent quite a long time assuming people would choose the negative response, totally ignoring the idea that they might not. Ridiculous how often we go about our day thinking negatively. Now I’m not referring to the obvious downer comment. I’m talking about casual conversation, when responses are either from a positive bias or a negative bias; stating the negative possible outcome of something or attempting to sound constructive (and “refined) when giving criticism rather than exploring the benefits of a little positive faith and reinforcement. How toxic this must be to our daily thought processes.

I’ve since adapted a more positive way of analyzing things, which is merely a matter of balance.  Everything has a negative and a positive; a black and white; a hot or cold.  They all only exist because of the existence of their opposite. Therefore, we must respect them both and pay attention to both if we want one to work to our benefit.  Does this make any sense?  This is the first time I’ve spewed this out of my mind and shared it.  I tend to um…lose focus when trying to hard to explain.  Haha moving on.  So the *more positive* way of thinking isn’t about drastically changing your thought processes. It’s simply, if you’re going to assume a negative outcome, then you are required to spend just as much time thinking about the positive outcome. Because, as we all know, BOTH are equally possible. Both. Equally possible. Balance. I find that when so many things flow well in my life, it’s a result of them flowing in some kind of pleasant balance, in sync with each other.  That accepting the fear or failure we have, somehow helps our positives to be even more positive. Although I won’t be producing any studies and stats to back this up, it works for my life, after years of exploring ways to keep my spirit healthy.

So I’ve enclosed this simple little message (+ my reply) from a fan/friend of mine on MySpace. It was a much-appreciated surprise this morning while grumbling through worthless message upon cheesy message folowed by nasty message in my MySpace Warlock Demon Servant Inbox of 6000+ messages. No joke.

Keeping their hopes for me alive, it’s because of people like him that I’ve survived these past 20 years of my pursuit. Their positivity, their refusal to confirm my negative suspicions, the way they get excited for some booking I get that I don’t even think is enough to be proud of. See, it’s all of those little reminders that shut me up and encourage me to believe in myself, no matter the opinions of others. You can doubt these kinds of messages if you must take the negative path. Just remember that you can follow that rule to match negative energy  spent with just as much positive energy thought .  The guy in the message below didn’t have to take the time to write to me. He easily could’ve assumed that I get messages like his every day, so why bother being just a number? No matter how many of these messages I get a day, a week, whatever, each one is just as important as the very first.  They are a gift every time and I just work on being appreciative of them each day.  Today may be the last one I ever get.  He’s not single, not hitting on me, just pure friendly interest and support. This person truly just believes in me enough to have faith in my goals,  based on the impression I’ve made. I choose to follow that path of thought.  It seems easier to follow on a daily basis than a tiring, heavy negative perspective. Not to mention more pleasant results! You walk away with positive thoughts and you’ll never regret any situation.  Your positivity allows you to learn from things without knocking down your confidence.  You’re guaranteed to grow from any situation, no matter the outcome.  Mmm…let’s call it an educated guess. ;)

—————– Original Message —————–

From: Ryan

Date: Nov 10, 2008 10:53 PM

Hey Leah, how’s it going? I haven’t bothered you in a while so I thought I’d see how thing have been. Any new and exciting modeling gigs? Any acting jobs? I’d love to see you in a mainstream movie, and then I could say “I knew her on myspace before she got famous.” Good luck in everything you do, and take care.

Ryan

~~~~~~~~

From: Me

aww :) hi! you’re so sweet to check in and have those high hopes for me. i most definitely hope to be in a feature film one day. that’s always been the heart of my goals. just to do some more film acting but be able to do it FOR A LIVING! imagine…ahhh… hehe i will get there one day, i chose this life out here. i knew it wasn’t going to be easy. it’s my home now and i love it.

you and your wife/girlfriend look so adorable in your default pic. you look so comfortably happy, and i mean that in the most precious way. it’s very alarming how many couples in our generation are neither comfortable nor happy. every move they make is an extension of some sort of self-absorbed, inner lame insecurity. this either brings out the same behavior in their partner or -worse- CREATES it in them after their message just becomes too powerful. BLAH. haha. can you tell i’ve been through some rough ones? lol yep but they all helped me be stronger and more appreciative of my wonderful boyfriend now. had we not had our rough relationships, we may never have been able to truly see how wonderful we are together now. anyway, my point is you both look strong and lovely. and i’m sure you’re the same in real time too lol.

again, thank you for checking in and for being so awesome. it’s those little messages of support and belief in me that keep me going. out here, we’re all kinda in the same boat so we don’t always have a lot of “fans” to remind us of why we do it. i needed that this morning! so thank you! hehe

enjoy your weekend! xo

Leah

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